Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: Karaoke Album (Original Television Soundtrack) [Season 1]

Release Date: Friday January 12th, 2018
  1. West Covina
  2. The Sexy Getting Ready Song
  3. Feelin' Kinda Naughty
  4. Face Your Fears
  5. I Have Friends
  6. Settle For Me
  7. Sex With a Stranger
  8. I Love My Daughter (But Not in a Creepy Way)
  9. I'm A Good Person
  10. I Give Good Parent
  11. What'll It Be?
  12. His Status Is... Preferred
  13. I'm In a Sexy French Depression
  14. Where's The Bathroom
  15. You Stupid Bitch
  16. JAP Battle
  17. Gettin' Bi
  18. I'm The Villain In My Own Story
  19. Dream Ghost
  20. Heavy Boobs
  21. I Gave You A UTI
  22. Oh My God I Think I Like You
  23. After Everything I've Done For You (That You Didn't Ask For
  24. One Indescribably Instant



Produced and Mixed by Adam Schlesinger and Steven M. Gold

except
West Covina
Produced by Jack Dolgen
Mixed by Oren Hadar

The Sexy Getting Ready Song
Produced by Jack Dolgen and Mike Geier
Mixed by Oren Hadar

Engineers: Adam Schlesinger, Steven M. Gold, Josh Minyard, Dan Piscina, Milton Gutierrez, Oren Hadar, Kevin Leach, Jack Dolgen, Pete Min

Recorded and Mixed at: Omelette Station, Magnolia Sound, The Pool, The Bridge, Ameraycan, Jungle City, Capitol Studios, Lucy’s Meat Market, Warner Brothers, Studio D, The Hidden Studio and CrazyEx.

Mastered by Ryan Smith at Sterling Sound

Orchestrations: Chris Guardino, Doug Besterman, Chris Jahnke, Steve Wight

Music Copyists: Gregory Jamrok/Joann Kane Music, Steve Wight, Christopher Deschene

Music Contractors: Gina Zimmitti, Whitney Martin, Michael Aarons, Noah Gladstone

Leaders/Conductors: Doug Besterman, Chris Guardino, Jerome Kurtenbach, Steve Wight

Additional Singers:
Andrew Arrow
Meghan Buckley
Chantal Claret
Steven M. Gold
Amy Hill
David Hull
Kelly Jones
Erick Lopez
Anna Nordeen
Britta Phillips
Viviana Rojas
Adam Schlesinger
Zachary Sherwin
South Bay Children's Choir
Meta Valentic
Nina Zeitlin

Adam Schlesinger: Guitar, Bass, Piano, Keyboards, Drums, Percussion

The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Orchestra
VIOLINS: Armen Anassian, Charlie Bisharat, Chung Mei Chang, Clayton Haslop, Tamara Hatwan, Cheryl Kim, Hwl Eun Kim, Serena McKinney, Lucia Micarelli, Neli Nikolaeva, Joel Pargman, Alyssa Park, Radu Pieptea, Benjamin Powell, Mark Robertson, Ashoka Thiagarajan, Ina Veli, Josefina Vergara, Shalini Vijayan, Amy Wickman
VIOLAS: Victor De Almeida, Thomas Diener, Andrew Duckles, Alma Fernandez, Shawn Mann, Victoria Miskolczy, Laura Pearson, Evan Wilson, Leah Zeger
CELLI: Eric Byers, Giovanna Clayton, Armen Ksajikian, Victor Lawrence, Timothy Loo, David Low, Aniela Perry, Andrew Shulman, Joy Song
BASS: Kevin Axt, Chuck Berghofer, Thomas Harte, Geoff Osika, Mike Valerio
FLUTES: Sara Andon, Jennifer Olson, Benjamin Smolen, Amy Tatum
OBOE: Chris Bleth
CLARINETS: Dan Higgins, Greg Huckins, Phil O'Connor, Josh Ranz
BASSOON: William May, Ken Munday
SAXOPHONES: Brandon Fields, Sal Lozano, Joel Peskin, John Yoakum
FRENCH HORNS: Shelagh Abate, Annie Bosler, Laura Brenes, Dylan Hart, John Mason, Teag Reaves, Zohar Schondorf
TRUMPETS: James De La Garza, Dan Fornero, Barry Perkins, Dan Rosenboom, Rob Schaer, Dylan Schwab
TROMBONES: Tim Albright, Brad Close, Nick Daley, Steve Holtman, Alex Iles, Alan Kaplan, Dave Nelson, Joseph Jackson
TUBA: Doug Tornquist
PERCUSSION: Wade Culbreath, M.B. Gordy, Brian Kilgore, Ken McGrath, Don Williams
HARP: Alison Bjorkedal, Jacqueline Marshall
PIANO/KEYS: Steven M. Gold, Mike Lang, Bryan Pezzone, Scott Wasserman
GUITAR: George Doering, Jack Dolgen, Mitchell Holder, Ronobir Lahiri (Sitar), Dean Parks, Michael Witcher
DRUMS: Bernie Dresel, Peter Erskine, Victor Indrizzo, John Robinson, Brian Young
ACCORDION: Nicholas Ariondo

This soundtrack was produced in cooperation with the AMERICAN FEDERATION OF MUSICIANS of the United States and Canada.

Executive in charge of WaterTower Music: Jason Linn
Executive Album Producer for WaterTower Music: Rocco Carrozza

Music Business Affairs Executives: Lisa Margolis and Ray Gonzalez
Art Direction: Sandeep Sriram

WaterTower Music thanks:
Peter Axelrad, Paul Broucek, Joe Kara, Kevin Kertes, Genevieve Morris, Robert Zick

℗ MMXVII CBS Studios Inc. and Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.
© MMXVII CBS Studios Inc. and Warner Bros. Entertainment Inc.

West Covina (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Jerome Kurtenbach
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

The Sexy Getting Ready Song (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Jack Dolgen, Rachel Bloom, Geoffrey Michael Geier
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP), Songfair Inc. (SESAC)

Feelin’ Kinda Naughty (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Face Your Fears (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen, Sono Patel
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

I Have Friends (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Michael Hitchcock
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP), Beverlyfax Music, Inc. (BMI)

Settle For Me (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Sex With a Stranger (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen, Sono Patel
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

I Love My Daughter (But Not In A Creepy Way) [Karaoke Version]
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

I’m A Good Person (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

I Give Good Parent (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Zach Sherwin
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

What’ll It Be? (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

His Status Is…Preferred (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Adam Schlesinger
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

I’m In a Sexy French Depression (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Where’s The Bathroom (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Adam Schlesinger, Rachel Bloom, Jack Dolgen, Rachel Specter, Audrey Wauchope
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

You Stupid Bitch (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

JAP Battle (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Zachary Sherwin
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Gettin’ Bi (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Adam Schlesinger
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

I’m The Villain In My Own Story (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Dream Ghost (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Aline Brosh McKenna
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Heavy Boobs (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Bola Ogun
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

I Gave You A UTI (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Oh My God I Think I Like You (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger, Jack Dolgen
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

After Everything I’ve Done For You (That You Didn’t Ask For) [Karaoke Version]
Written by: Rachel Bloom, Adam Schlesinger
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

One Indescribable Instant (Karaoke Version)
Written by: Adam Schlesinger
Published by: Aspenfair Music, Inc. (ASCAP)

Orchestrations: Chris Guardino, Doug Besterman, Chris Jahnke, Steve Wight

Music Copyists: Gregory Jamrok/Joann Kane Music, Steve Wight, Christopher Deschene

Music Contractors: Gina Zimmitti, Whitney Martin, Michael Aarons, Noah Gladstone

Leaders/Conductors: Doug Besterman, Chris Guardino, Jerome Kurtenbach, Steve Wight

Additional Singers:
Andrew Arrow
Meghan Buckley
Chantal Claret
Steven M. Gold
Amy Hill
David Hull
Kelly Jones
Erick Lopez
Anna Nordeen
Britta Phillips
Viviana Rojas
Adam Schlesinger
Zachary Sherwin
South Bay Children's Choir
Meta Valentic
Nina Zeitlin

Adam Schlesinger: Guitar, Bass, Piano, Keyboards, Drums, Percussion

The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Orchestra
VIOLINS: Armen Anassian, Charlie Bisharat, Chung Mei Chang, Clayton Haslop, Tamara Hatwan, Cheryl Kim, Hwl Eun Kim, Serena McKinney, Lucia Micarelli, Neli Nikolaeva, Joel Pargman, Alyssa Park, Radu Pieptea, Benjamin Powell, Mark Robertson, Ashoka Thiagarajan, Ina Veli, Josefina Vergara, Shalini Vijayan, Amy Wickman
VIOLAS: Victor De Almeida, Thomas Diener, Andrew Duckles, Alma Fernandez, Shawn Mann, Victoria Miskolczy, Laura Pearson, Evan Wilson, Leah Zeger
CELLI: Eric Byers, Giovanna Clayton, Armen Ksajikian, Victor Lawrence, Timothy Loo, David Low, Aniela Perry, Andrew Shulman, Joy Song
BASS: Kevin Axt, Chuck Berghofer, Thomas Harte, Geoff Osika, Mike Valerio
FLUTES: Sara Andon, Jennifer Olson, Benjamin Smolen, Amy Tatum
OBOE: Chris Bleth
CLARINETS: Dan Higgins, Greg Huckins, Phil O'Connor, Josh Ranz
BASSOON: William May, Ken Munday
SAXOPHONES: Brandon Fields, Sal Lozano, Joel Peskin, John Yoakum
FRENCH HORNS: Shelagh Abate, Annie Bosler, Laura Brenes, Dylan Hart, John Mason, Teag Reaves, Zohar Schondorf
TRUMPETS: James De La Garza, Dan Fornero, Barry Perkins, Dan Rosenboom, Rob Schaer, Dylan Schwab
TROMBONES: Tim Albright, Brad Close, Nick Daley, Steve Holtman, Alex Iles, Alan Kaplan, Dave Nelson, Joseph Jackson
TUBA: Doug Tornquist
PERCUSSION: Wade Culbreath, M.B. Gordy, Brian Kilgore, Ken McGrath, Don Williams
HARP: Alison Bjorkedal, Jacqueline Marshall
PIANO/KEYS: Steven M. Gold, Mike Lang, Bryan Pezzone, Scott Wasserman
GUITAR: George Doering, Jack Dolgen, Mitchell Holder, Ronobir Lahiri (Sitar), Dean Parks, Michael Witcher
DRUMS: Bernie Dresel, Peter Erskine, Victor Indrizzo, John Robinson, Brian Young
ACCORDION: Nicholas Ariondo

This soundtrack was produced in cooperation with the AMERICAN FEDERATION OF MUSICIANS of the United States and Canada.

Crazy Ex Girlfriend – Season 1 – Karaoke – LYRICS


“WEST COVINA”

REBECCA
West Covinaaaaaa,
Californiaaaaaaaa!
In my soul I feel a fire
‘Cause I’m heading for the pride of the Inland Empire.
My life’s about to change,
Oh my gosh!
‘Cause I’m hopelessly, desperately
In love with...
West Covina...
See the sparkle off the concrete ground.
Hear the “whoosh!” of the bustling town!
What a feeling of love in my gut.
I’m falling faster than the middle
School’s music program was cut.
People dine at chez Applebee.

CASH-FOR-GOLD WOMAN
Ahhhh.

REBECCA
And the sky seems to smile at me.

BABY
Ahhhhhh.

REBECCA
It’s all new but I have no fear.

MEXICAN LAWYER
Accidentes.

REBECCA
And also, by coincidence, Josh--
Just happens to be here!
What a cool looking anime wig!
And I’ve never seen a pretzel this
Big! It’s my destiny, that much is
Clear.

REBECCA
And also, this guy Josh just
Happens to be here.
Is he here? He’s not here.

REBECCA
To be clear, I didn’t move here for
Josh, I just needed a change.
‘Cause to move here for Josh, now, that’d
Be strange...

REBECCA
But don’t get me wrong, if he asked
For a date, I would totally be like,
“That sounds great!”
Did it sound cool when I said “That
Sounds great!”?
Ok, how about now?
“That sounds great!”
Yes, I heard of West Covina from
Josh,
But I didn’t move here because of
Josh.
Do you get those things are different?

MOVER
No hablo ingles.

REBECCA
Entiendes que son differentes?
Look, everyone, stop giving me the
Shakedown. I am not having a
Nervous—
West Covinaaaaa, Californiaaaaa!!!
West Covinaaaaa, Californiaaaaa!

Hear the band playing in my heart!
My new life is about to start!
True happiness is so near!
Aw, you guys are good. Bye-bye.

WEST COVINA OFFICIALS
Sorry, kids, budget cuts.
No tuba anymore
No more band...nice dress

REBECCA and COMPANY
And also, by coincidence, so
Random, just by chance, who’d a
Thunk it, so remarkable and weird,
Right? It’s so cray...

REBECCA
That this guy Josh... Just
Happens... To be... Here!
Only two hours from the beach!




“THE SEXY GETTING READY SONG”

REBECCA
Ooh... Ho-whoa-whoa-whoa
Hey, Josh. I wanna look good for you tonight, so I’m gonna get in touch with my feminine side.
It’s the sexy gettin’ ready song.
The sexy gettin’ ready song.
Primpin’ and pluckin’,
Brushin’ and rubbin’,
The sexy gettin’ ready song.
First, I make everything shiny and
Smooth

BACKUP SINGERS
Oh yeah.

REBECCA
‘Cause I want my body to be so soft
For you.

BACKUP SINGERS
Bye-bye, skin.

REBECCA
I’m gonna make this night one you’ll never forget.

BACKUP SINGERS
Ass blood.

REBECCA
‘Cause, boy, I know you like an
Hourglass silhouette.
Let’s see how the guys get ready!

REBECCA and GIRLS
It’s the sexy gettin’ ready song.
The sexy gettin’ ready song.
Fluffin’ and flouncin’,
Gigglin’ and lady-in’,
The sexy gettin’ ready song.

NIPSEY HUSSLE
Hop on my dick with that tight
Little dress then turn that ass around
Like you’re trying to impress them...
Oh God, this is how you get
Ready? This is horrifying.
Like a scary movie or somethin’.
Like some nasty-ass patriarchal
Bullshit... You know what? I gotta go
Apologize to some bitches. I’m
Forever changed after what I just seen.

REBECCA and GIRLS
It’s the sexy gettin’ ready song.
The sexy gettin’ ready song.
It’s the sexy gettin’ ready song.
Body rolls are really hard.
The sexy gettin’ ready song.
The sexy gettin’ ready song.
I’m gonna whisper your dick hard
Whisper your dick hard
The sexy gettin’ ready song.


“FEELIN’ KINDA NAUGHTY”

REBECCA
Hey, cutie, don’t know if you knew,
But I’ve kinda got a girl crush on you.
You’re everything that I wish I could be.
Gonna tell you what I wanna do to you-
Tee hee hee!
I wanna lock you in a basement with soundproof walls
And take over your identity.
I wanna cut the silky hair right off your head
And slurp it up like spaghetti.
Wanna clone you and consume you.
Wanna own you and cartoon you.
Fly your dirty panties like a kite.
Kite!
‘Cause I-I-I-I-I’m feelin’ kinda naughty tonight.

Sorry I said that creepy stuff out loud.
That was super rando.
I meant to say I wanna do cutesy stuff,
Like pillow fight or go swimmin’ commando.

I wanna kill you and wear your skin like a dress,
But then also have you see me in the dress
And be like, “OMG, you look so cute in my skin!”
I wanna lock you in a basement,
But in that basement, you would also be my personal trainer.
I want your abs!
Break into your mom’s house, collect your baby teeth
And turn them into my new retainer.
I want your smile!
Cook your spit into a chowder, dry your sweat into a powder
And do lines of you all through the night.
Night!

‘Cause I-I-I-I-I-I-I’m feelin’ kinda naughty.
Take measurements of your body,
Then go up to a surgeon
Make my body like your body,
Like that film with Liberace,
‘Cause I’m feelin’ kinda naughty tonight.


“FACE YOUR FEARS”

PAULA
I used to be afraid
Of so much in this world,
I’d tiptoe through each day, like some
Frightened little girl.
Then, one day I realized I can’t just
Run and hide from life.
Now, if someone pulls a gun on me
I pull out my knife.

REBECCA
I don’t follow.

PAULA
Sit on my lap like I’m Santa and listen to me.

Face your fears.
Stare them down.
Don’t be scared,
Stand your ground.
‘Cause nothing is as scary
As it appears.
All you gotta do
Is face your fears.
If a bear runs at you in the woods,
Don’t run away.
Look it deep in the eyes,
Put your hand on its chest and say,
“Bear, I’m not afraid.”

If you’re in a burning building
And smoke is everywhere,
Keep calm, take a deep breath
And stay right there!

Face your fears!
Run with scissors!
‘Cause you can fly!
Yes, you can flyyyy!
Fly out of a window!
Fly off a building!
Just believe in yourself,
Face your fears.

‘Cause the children are the future!

CHILDREN’S CHOIR
AAAAAAH

PAULA and CHILDREN’S CHOIR
Face your fears!
Face your fears!
Follow your dreams!
Follow your dreams!
Stare at the sun!
Stare at the sun!
Play in the street!
A busy street!
If you’re scared of bees!
If you’re scared of bees!
Get stung!
Don’t have an Epi Pen ready!
Reach for the stars!
Literally touch a star!
Face your fears!
Stars aren’t that hot!
Face your fears!
Face your fears!
Join the Marines!
Join the Marines!
Swim right after eating!
Don’t wait 30 minutes!
‘Cause you are amazing!
So amazing!
Wipe back to front!
Don’t wipe front to back!
Drop out of school!
School is stupid!
All you gotta dooooooo…

REBECCA
Is face my fears?

PAULA
Is face your...

REBECCA
Fears, I got it.

PAULA
Feeeeeeeeeeears!

CHILDREN’S CHOIR
AAAAAaaaaaah


“I HAVE FRIENDS”

YOUNG REBECCA
I have friends, I definitely have friends!
No one can say that I do not have friends!

I have friends,
I definitely have friends!
Friends, friends, friendly friends,
Time to meet my friends!

PATTY
I’m Patty!

LUAN
Luan.

JASON
Jason and I’m super into Dance Dance Revolution!

GIRL WITH MUSTACHE
Girl with mustache!

BOY
Boy with port wine stain!

JANITOR
Janitor who lives in an RV behind the School.

YOUNG REBECCA
I have friends, I definitely have friends!

REBECCA
Oh, yeah!
I have friends, I definitely have friends!
Objectively, I can say that I have all the friends!
I have friends, I definitely have friends!
Friends, friends, friendly friends,
Time to meet my friends!

PAULA
I’m Paula!

DARRYL
Darryl!

LADY
Lady who hit your car!

FRIEND
Friend of friend from law school?

CLERK
Grocery clerk with half an eyelid!

REBECCA and YOUNG REBECCA
We have friends, we definitely have friends!
No one can say that we do not have friends!
We have friends, we definitely have friends!
Friends, friends, friendly friends,
We have all the friends!
Cool!

“SEX WITH A STRANGER”

REBECCA
Steppin’ in the club,
All those eyes on me,
But there’s only one pair that I see.
He got a tight-ass bod,
Big brown eyes.
Come on, cutie, get between my thighs.

‘Cause I...
I don’t even know your name.

JASON
It’s Jason, remember?

REBECCA
Shh, don’t tell me, don’t tell me.

Why...
Don’t we just call each other baby?

It’ll be simpler.

Hey, sexy stranger, come back to my place
And I hope you’re not a murderer.
Kiss me, baby, all over the place
And please don’t be a murderer.

Please don’t be a murderer.
Please don’t be a murderer.

I’m sorry I’ll stop talking ‘bout the murderer
Thing.
Let me get back to playin’ with your thing.
You got a beautiful ass,
Strong ass arms.

Is that a gun?! Oh, thank God, it’s just your
Penis.

Have...
You been tested for STDs?
STDs, tell me please, STDs.

Then...
Waited the three month window
And got tested again?
Just makin’ sure.

Most people don’t know about the window.

Hey, sexy stranger, let’s go to my place
And please don’t harvest my kidney.
Don’t give me that incredulous face
I saw a movie like that on Lifetime.

Uh, your balls smell weird.
Your balls smell so much worse than I
feared.

You haven’t aired out those balls in hours.
Please go wash your balls in the shower.
The bathroom is right down the hall, ok?
Please don’t steal anything on the way
(don’t steal!)

Hey, sexy stranger,
I’ll be right back.
I just forgot to do the dishes.
Keep yourself horny, stay in the mood.

I promise I’ll be back.
Okay, see you in a second, bye. 

“SETTLE FOR ME”

GREG
When we’re together
I feel so grand.
My heart goes tippety tap tap tap
When I hold your hand.
But I know there’s another guy
You fancy more,
So even though
I’m not the one you adore
Why...not

Settle for me?
Darling, just settle for me.
I think you’ll have to agree
We make quite a pair.

I know I’m only second place in this game,
But like 2% milk
Or seitan beef,
I almost taste the same!
So won’t you settle for me?
Come on and settle for me.
Say yes or no
Before I choke on all this swallowed pride!
I have no problem being picked out from the Bottom.
If he’s your broken condom, I’m Plan B!

So lower those expectations
And settle for me.

Am I ok with this?
Totally.

Settle for me,
Babycakes, just settle for me.
Schmoopy pie, I’m begging you, please.
Can’t you see the light?
Sugar jugs, I’m so bereft.
Demeaning terms are all that I have left
Of my masculinity.
So settle for me.


Little girl,
Don’t make me feel like a little girl,
Exposed and raw
Whose boobs can’t even fill a training bra.
Let’s pretend I didn’t say that.

Settle for me.

REBECCA
It’s a practical proposal!

GREG
Settle for me.

REBECCA
It makes a certain sense!

GREG
He’s a fantasy.
But hey,
Let’s think this through.
Yes, Josh is a dream,
But I’m right here
In flesh and blood and self-hate.

GREG and REBECCA
Settle for me.

GREG
In a sad way, darling, it’s fate.

REBECCA
You’re like Rocky 5 to Rocky.

GREG
Solange to Beyonce.
Not asking to be your fiancé.

But if tonight -or tomorrow-
If you happen to be free,
Maybe,
Just maybe
Settle for me!

“I LOVE MY DAUGHTER (BUT NOT IN A CREEPY WAY)”

DARRYL
Daddy’s little girl,
Princess of my world,
I never knew a beauty like this before.

So clever and cute,
An angel with an attitude,
I want her all mine, all of the time.

I know songs like this can come off weird
But there’s nothing weird about
Helping daddy trim his beard.
Dads do that!

‘Cause I love my daughter
But not in a creepy way.
Though I realize father-daughter love comes off
That way.
I just love my daughter,
But again, not in a creepy way.

The father-daughter dance,
Surrounded by adorable girls,
But there’s only one that’s got my eye.
Her feet on my shoes,
Her hands on my hips.
Yeah, it’s a weird visual, now that I think of it.

I know lines like that can skeeve people out.
But when it comes to ticklin’,
Woooo hoooo, she ‘bout to get it now.

I’m very careful where I tickle my daughter,
Never inappropriately.
I can see how that came out a bit confusingly.
I just love my daughter,
But seriously, not in a creepy way.

One day, she’ll fall in love and I’ll give her away.
Not like I ever had her,
What a weird thing to say.
I can see it now,
She’ll look just like her mom.

Granted, I did have sex with her mom…

Aw, but this is different ‘cause I love my daughter,
But not in a “love love” way.
Do you get what I -- ugh
What I mean to say is,
I’ll just stop talking.
Having a daughter is weird.

“I’M A GOOD PERSON”

REBECCA
I’m a good person, yes it’s true.
I’m a good person, better than you.
I’m a good person, can’t you see?
Doctors Without Borders don’t have shit on me.

I’m a good person all over the place.
I cum my good right into your face.
Everybody says I’m one good ass chick,
And if you don’t think so, you can lick
My balls. Which, again, are filled with good.

Didn’t you know that I’m a good person?
I’m pure angel through and through.
Doesn’t it show that I’m a good person?
So much gooder than you.
And you. And you, and you, and you!

I’m a good person, that’s my thing.
My nickname is Mother Theresa Luther King.
I’m a good person, get it straight.
And when I say good, I really mean great,
The best. Hashtag humble and blessed.

Newsflash, fuckwads: I’m a good person.
Do what I can for you all the time.
That’s how I am ‘cause I’m a good person.
I always find time to be kind.

BAR PATRON
Uh...choke...

REBECCA
Sorry, so busy.

I’m a good, such a good, real good person.
I’m a good person through and through.
I’m a good, such a good, real good person.
Lemme hear you say it, too.

Say it. Say it! Or I’ll kill your husband.
I’ll do it! I’ll gut him like a fish.

WOMAN
You’re a good person.

REBECCA
Aw, thank you!

I’m a good, such a good, real good person.
I’m a good person, yes it’s true.
I’m a good, such a good, real good person.
I’m a good person, get it?
FUCK YOU!

“I GIVE GOOD PARENT”

REBECCA and LOURDES
I give good parent.
She gives good parent.
I give good parent.
She gives real good parent.
I give good parent.
She gives good parent
To parents like me.

REBECCA
I was born gifted. Been blessed.
Din-din guest for the win? Yes!
When I pull up, Gym Test,
Prepare for your parents to be impressed.
I present proper like a Ted Talker.
Got your current chick lookin’ like Greg Focker.
I’m here to conquer, I’ve come to slaughter.
These dads and moms is my sons and daughters.
Skilled seductress, I will kill and crush this.
This shit’s my business and I’m built for success.
Expect to witness a familial lovefest.
Valencia? You’re zip, zilch, and bupkis.

REBECCA and LOURDES
I give good parent.
She gives good parent.
I give good parent.
She gives real good parent.
I give good parent.
She gives good parent
To parents like me.

REBECCA
Brought a nice red, so when I come in the place
I already got ‘em heated up under the waist.
Your home’s such a beautiful, comfortable space.
Like my pussy, you two have wonderful taste!
Sit down at the table and I’m murderin’,
Inquiring what line of work they’re in.
Makin’ faces like I’m crazed erotically,
Wait… My uncle is in radiology!

LOURDES
Oooohh.

REBECCA
Every dish is delicious, Michelin Star!

REBECCA
Please pass the arroz like I passed the bar.

LOURDES
An attorney?

REBECCA
Yale Law, Harvard undergrad.
Got the Chan Fam damp in their underpants.
Dad tells jokes, I squeal in amusement.
I agree that Neil Diamond is real music.
Gonna suck up and kiss ass
‘Till I have ‘em eatin out this hand, like they’re eatin’ this ass.
Praise the hardwood, compliment the china.
Give them hard wood and a drenched vagina.
Help clear the table like I drain a scrotum.
In one week, I’ma thank you note ‘em.
Boss-ass bitch no one’s above me.
End of the night, they line up to hug me.
“Oh my gosh, this was so lovely.”
Yep, your folks pretty much wanna fuck me.

REBECCA and LOURDES
I give good parent.
She gives good parent.
I give good parent
To parents like me.

“WHAT’LL IT BE?”

GREG
It’s 5:53 on Thanksgiving.
Not one customer’s walked through the door,
But I’m still here, slinging drinks for a living.
I’ve never played piano before.

Not bad.

I know this town like the back of my hand,
But I’m not such a fan of the back of my hand,
‘Cause if you look real close
At those little hairs and veins,
You’re like, hands are sort of gross!
It’s hard to explain.
The point is-

Hey, West Covina,
Why won’t you let me break free?
Am I doomed to stay here
Pouring my high school friends’ beers
For the rest of eternity?
Hey, West Covina,
You know just where to find me.
I’ll never go far, so pull up to the bar.
Hey, West Covina,
What’ll it be?

It’s 5:55 - I’m still singing.
The big Turkey Day game’s lettin’ out.
But no one’s coming here, who am I kidding?
Hey, you sunburned MILFs, give me a shout.

Everyone’s going home cause it’s time to give Thanks.
Thanks for the chain stores and outlets and banks.
Thanks for this town three short hours from the Beach.
Where all of your dreams can stay just out of reach.
(Spoken Drum Fill)

Hey, West Covina,
You’re not listening, so what’s the use?
Is my purpose in life
To slice limes with a knife,
Or to serve Deb a vodka and cranberry juice?
Hey, Deb, I’ll be right with you.

Hey, West Covina,
Look what you’re doin’ to me.
Can’t you see, West Covina,
You’re killin’ me, West Covina?
Last call, West Covina,
What’ll it be?

“HIS STATUS IS… PREFERRED”

PAULA
He’s discerning, he’s refined-
Eats French cheeses, drinks French wine.
He travels all the time,
And at the airport, cuts the line.
And when he checks his leather luggage
No extra charges are incurred!

‘Cause he’s Elite.
He’s Silver Elite.
Executive Silver Elite.
His status is… preferred.

Fine hotels are where he stays.
The kind with grand breakfast buffets
And a chef who can make omelettes
A variety of ways.
And they don’t stick him in some regular room,
No, that would be absurd!

He gets a suite,
A two room executive suite,
An executive city view suite,
With a second TV,
And 400 thread count sheets
Because
His status is… preferred.

Oh, can’t you see?
He’s got Premiere Access to me.
My whole life, I’ve been stuck in Economy.
I have waited and waited
To one day be upgraded,
To spread my wings and fly
Just a bit more frequently!

On his wrist… a gold wristwatch.
On his lips… a blended Scotch.
And I have to stop my eyes from drifting
Downwards towards his crotch!

I can peek, but I have to be discreet!
‘Cause he’s filet mignon,
Not just some piece of meat!

He’s sophisticated,
Elegant,
Elite.
In a word…
He’s….preferred.

“SEXY FRENCH DEPRESSION”

REBECCA
My eyes are dark from sadness.
My lips are red from pain.
My bosom heaves with sobs.
I’m in a sexy French depression.

I walk oh so slowly.
I can only breathe and sigh.
(Sigh)
My bed smells like a tampon.
I’m in a sexy French depression.

J’ai acheté un livre sur John Wayne Gacy, en
Ligne.
Je repasse mes vieilles conversations sur AOL
Instant Messenger avec mon mec à la Fac.
Je me branle sur un film porno o me demandant
Comment ces filles ont pu en arriver là.
Oooh...chocolat!

I black out with dessert wine.

Oui. Je suis garbage.

This grout needs to be redone.
I’m in a sexy French depression.

Je peux résoudre mes problèmes en faisant des
Fixations sur tous me cafouillages.
Et toutes les façons de foutre en l’air ma vie au
Delà de toute réparation.
Si je réfléchis assez sérieusement je finirai par
Avoir la réponse, mais j’ai oublie quelle était la
Question.

I’m in a sexy
French
Depression.


“WHERE’S THE BATHROOM”

NAOMI

Where’s the bathroom? Where’s the bathroom?
I need to use the bathroom.
Tell me that you have a bathroom
In this hovel you call home.

I don’t know which was bumpier-
The plane ride or the taxi.
All these freeways are a nightmare.
Where’s my purse? I need my comb.

By the way, you’re looking healthy,
And by healthy, I mean chunky.
I don’t mean that as an insult,
I’m just stating it as fact.

I see your eczema is back.

Are you using the lotion that I sent you?
If you’re not gonna use it,
I’ll return it to the store.

God, I give you everything
And still you just want more more more
More more.

Where’s the bathroom? Where’s the bathroom?
You haven’t told me where your bathroom is!

REBECCA
It’s upstairs.

NAOMI
Ok, fine, I need the walk.

Well, your house is da-da-da charming,
Though some florals wouldn’t kill you.
Do you ever get a maid here?
It’s so nice to sit and talk.

Since when do you have
A vendetta against vases?
And when did you stop wearing makeup?
Are you sure that you’re not gay?
I’d still love you if you were gay.
It would explain this vase vendetta.
Please just tell me if you’re gay.

REBECCA
Again, I am not gay.

NAOMI
Don’t interrupt me, you’re always with the talking.
I just got off a plane, give me a moment to catch my breath.
It’s the least you can do
Since you lived inside me for nine months
And you still haven’t told me
Where the hell your stupid bathroom is!

REBECCA
Again, it’s upstairs.

NAOMI
Oh right, thank you.

You call that a bathroom?
That’s what passes for a bathroom?
There were no bowls of rocks or any decorative soaps—

You don’t even have a bath mat.
Who doesn’t have a bath mat?
If you need a bath mat I can-- oh, did you hear –

A bishop in Wisconsin said something anti-Semitic
So the temple has decided to boycott cheddar cheese—

Everyone asks how you’re doing:
“How is little Becky?” “Is she still a big shot lawyer?”
And to that I just say, “Please.”

You won’t get a husband this way--
At least you have your career.
Oh wait, you threw out your career
To chase this California dream.

I wasted all that dough on Harvard and Yale
For you to be living in a dump in Nowhere, USA—

Getting fatter by the minute on this greasy goyish food.
Just put my luggage in my room.
Could I get a glass of water? I’ll be back in a moment.
I need to use the bathroom again!

“YOU STUPID BITCH”

REBECCA
Well, Rebecca,
You’ve done it now...

Yeah, you guys know this one.

Karma’s come to tap you
On the shoulder
All that lying that’s been festering,
Plus breaking and entering,
Is coming now to crush
You like a boulder

You ruined everything,
You stupid bitch
You ruined everything,
You stupid stupid bitch
You’re just a lying little bitch,
Who ruins things,
And wants the world to burn
Bitch. You’re a stupid bitch,
And lose some weight.

I was so close to paradise
But now, the only thing
I’m close to is defeat
These shards are a
Metaphor for my soul
Won’t stop the self-pity
‘Cause I’m on a roll
Yes, Josh completes me,
But how can that be?
When there’s no me left to
Complete?!

You ruined everything,
You stupid bitch!

Sing with me!

REBECCA AND AUDIENCE
You ruined everything,
You stupid stupid bitch!

REBECCA
Yes, I deserve this!

REBECCA AND AUDIENCE
You’re just a poopy little slut,
Who doesn’t think,
And deceives the people she loves

REBECCA
Now he knows I’m
Not some innocent lamb
He sees me for what I am
Which is a horrible, stupid, dumb,
And ugly, fat and stupid,
Simple, self-hating...
Biiiiiiiitch

“JAP BATTLE”

AUDRA LEVINE
This is real deep beef
From way back in the past
Deeper than I’ll put a foot up
In the crack of your ass

Come on, let’s do this
Your little pals can witness
How vicious this Westchester
Alpha bitch is

I’m straight up malicious
A verbal curb stomper
Since we were toddlers,
I’ve studied every chink in your armor,
And between your folks’ divorce
And that haircut on ya,
I’m really not sure which one’s
The bigger Shondeh

REBECCA
That means “disgrace”
I’m translating for the goys
Our life lines have been parallel,
Like corduroys
But now, we’ll see
Whose bars will prevail
In this beef of two hard-as-nails Shebrews from Scarsdale!

AUDRA LEVINE
We’ve got a conflict of interest

REBECCA
I’m about to give Levine the business

AUDRA LEVINE
Spittin’ venomous hate-

REBECCA
Penetratin’ her defenses-

AUDRA & REBECCA
It’s a JAP battle

DARRYL
A what?

NEW YORK LAWYERS
A Jewish American Princess...

AUDRA LEVINE
Rap battle

WHITEFEATHER LAWYERS
Daughters of privilege…

AUDRA LEVINE
Spittin’ mad flow

NEW YORK LAWYERS
Find that term offensive?

AUDRA LEVINE
Too bad, yo!

AUDRA & REBECCA
Oh snap, it’s a JAP battle rap

REBECCA
Look: Academically,
You could never catch me
You were close, but
No match scholastically
No how, no way,
I put the “OG” in “5.0 GPA”

AUDRA LEVINE
Well, speaking of which,
Are you AP graded?
‘Cause these days, you look a bit
Heavily weighted
And all your book-crackin’
Don’t make up for the fact
That I’m strapped with that
Killer instinct that you lack
Sweetheart, here’s what you’re
Not understanding: I’m street smart

REBECCA
You mean ‘cause you minored
In urban planning?
Bitch, I know you, that tough act’s a bluff
So sheket bevaka, shut the fuck up!

AUDRA LEVINE
Your temper! You lost it! Aw! Cute!
Like you’re gonna lose this lawsuit
But here’s one category where
You have no rival
Blowin’ frat guys with your AEPi-hole

REBECCA
And I banged your hedge-fund
Manager fiancé!
Back in college over winter holidays
Bathroom stall at the Matzo Ball
And honestly? I gotta say:
Really not hot at all
Small dick, rotten lay

WHITEFEATHER LAWYERS
This is:

REBECCA
A JAP battle

NEW YORK LAWYERS
Bane of my existence...

REBECCA
You’re an asshole

AUDRA LEVINE
From Golden’s Bridge...

REBECCA
To North Castle

AUDRA & REBECCA
Wipe you off the map in this
JAP battle rap

AUDRA LEVINE
Bunch, you’re a curse, you’re a blight,
We were frenemies at first spite
Think your verse is tight?
Then you’re trippin’ like birthright
I’ll wipe the mirth
Right off your fugly mug,
And fill you full of slugs
Like a straight up thug!

REBECCA
Uh, that word is racist
Someone oughta tell you
Like me! I belong to the
ACLU

AUDRA LEVINE
Spare me
I’m a card-carrying member
Plus, I spent a semester
In Kenya, remember?

REBECCA
Well, I volunteered in Ghana

AUDRA LEVINE
Well, I guess that makes us equal

REBECCA
Well, it’s settled then

AUDRA & REBECCA
We’re both cool with black people

AUDRA LEVINE
‘Cause we’re liberals

REBECCA
Duh! Progressive as hell

AUDRA & REBECCA
Though, of course, I support Israel

REBECCA
Audra, wait
We share so many traits
Should we shake hands
And erase the hate?
Created by our mothers
Pitting us against each other
For accolades and grades?
We were egged on like Seder plates!

AUDRA LEVINE
Nah. In summation,
You left New York for this fuckin’ shtetl?
And now you’re like “Oh Audra, let’s settle”
You wanna get salty like the Dead Sea?
Word. But call off this suit,
Or you’re dead, C-word


“GETTIN’ BI”

DARRYL
I don’t know how
I don’t know why
But I like ladies
And I like guys
I realize
It’s a surprise
But now, I see that that’s just me
It’s not like I even try

So if you ask me how I’m doing
Here is my reply

I’m g-g-g-g-gettin’ bi
I’m gettin’ bi
Oh yeah I’m letting my bi flag fly
Not gonna hide it
Not gonna lie

I’m a bi kinda guy
There’s no reason to be shy
My oh my
It’s a fact I can’t deny
I’m bi bi bi until the day I die!

Now some may say
Aw, you’re just gay
Why don’t you just go gay all the way
But that’s not it
‘Cause bi’s legit
Whether you’re a he or a she
We might be a perfect fit

And one more thing
I tell you what
Being bi does not imply

That you’re a “playa” or a “slut”
Sure, I like sex

PAULA
Please make him stop.

DARRYL
But I’m no “ho”
I take things slow
Until I feel at ease

So if you ask me
How I’m doin’
I’m feeling peppy,
Sprightly, spry

I’m g-g-g-g-gettin’ bi
I’m gettin’ bi
And it’s something
I’d like to demystify
It’s not a phase
I’m not confused
Not indecisive
I don’t have the gotta
Choose blues
I don’t care if you wear
High heels or a tie
You might just catch my eye
Because I’m definitely bi
Big man!

I’m gettin’ bi
I’m gettin’ bi
I’m gettin’ bi
I’m gettin’ bi
I’m gettin’ bi
I’m gettin’ bi
It doesn’t take an intellectual
To get that I’m bisexual!

“I’M THE VILLAIN IN MY OWN STORY”

REBECCA
I try to be good to others
Treat my fellow men like brothers
And sisters
That’s the story I’m the hero in
So how come I can’t zero in
On why this song sounds so
Sinister

Oh my God!

I’m the villain in my own story
I’m the witch in my own tale
Though I insist I’m the protagonist,
It’s clear that my soul is up for sale
I’m the villain in my own story,
The bad guy in my TV show
I’m the “who” in the whodunit,
When I go to hell I’ll run it,
As Satan’s CFO

He needs someone to do the books
Actually I shouldn’t do that,
I’m terrible with money!

But wait! How am I a villain?
I give annually to Unicef
And just last week I helped a lady
Cross the street who was super old
And deaf

Wait - where am I? Aaah a bird!!

I’m the villain in my own story
I’m the bitch in the corner of the
Poster. I’m the figure in the doorway
Or the Kraken up in Norway
God who is this song’s composer?!

It’s like ridiculously sinister
Redunkulously sinister

REBECCA
Well, well, well…looks like I’ve got you now, Valencia!


VALENCIA
What do you want to do with me, you evil witch queen? I am but a humble Yoga instructor.

REBECCA
Oh, what I want is…your boyfriend!

VALENCIA
Not Prince Josh! Anything but Prince Josh. Why are you doing this? I’m Kate Hudson.

REBECCA
We’re doing the witch and the princess thing, ok? Just go with it.

VALENCIA
Ok, so fine. I’m the princess. Why, why are you doing this to me?

REBECCA
Because I’m jealous of you and
your life. You’re so skinny and
Josh is so perfect and I want
to take it all for myself!
And now I’ll cook you
into the traditional
dish of dinuguan
and serve it to
Josh’s family!

REBECCA
(Maniacal laugh)

VALENCIA
Nooooooooo!!

NEIGHBOR
Shut up!

REBECCA
I’m the villain in my own story
My actions have gone way too far
I told myself that I was Jasmine, but I
Realize now I’m Jafar
We’re told love conquers all,
But that only applies to the hero
Is the enemy what I’m meant to be?
Is being the villain my destiny...?


“DREAM GHOST”

DR. AKOPIAN
You know the trope,
In storytelling, it’s a norm
When a person’s in trouble, a manifestation
Of their subconscious appears in the form
Of a Dream Ghost!
Giving advice you kind of already knew
I’m a Dream Ghost!
I’m really just your mind working things through
It’s not clear if I’m hallucinated
Or actually magic
Let’s leave it vague,
It’s more interesting that way

I’m gonna take you,
On a journey through time and space
And in the end, you’ll realize,
You knew the answer all along
Honestly, it’s a bit of a waste to be a –

DREAM GHOSTS
Dream Ghost! (Dream Ghost)
We’re other Dream Ghosts!
Helping people on this plane
We’re also Dream Ghosts! (Dream Ghosts)
While you’re all asleep,
We’ll sing the refrain

DR. AKOPIAN & DREAM GHOSTS
It’ll never be clear
If we’re hallucinated
Or actually magic
And we’re all women
‘Cause this job doesn’t pay so well

REBECCA
Wow! So there are a lot of Dream Ghosts

DR. AKOPIAN
Yep. A lot of people on this plane
Are having predicaments

DREAM GHOST #1
This guy is deciding
Whether or not to leave his wife!

DREAM GHOST #2
This girl is wondering
If she should terminate her pregnancy!

DR. AKOPIAN
This lady’s dreaming in Portuguese,
So I’m not sure what she wants

DREAM GHOST #1
And this douche is agonizing over
Whether to buy or lease a new Porsche

DR. AKOPIAN & DREAM GHOSTS
We are the Dream Ghosts! (Dream Ghosts)
Here to show you the proper way
We are the Dream Ghosts! (Dream Ghosts)
And the healthcare with this job is just okay

We’ll help you with decisions
If you’re on the fence
And we’re available for private events
We’re the Dream Ghosts!
We wish our union health plan had dental…

Dream Ghosts

We pay out-of-pocket for cleanings!

“HEAVY BOOBS”

REBECCA
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs
Dense like dyin’ stars
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs
I can’t run real far

Let me break down what I just said
Each of my Double Ds
Has the volume of a toddler’s head
Not bitchin’ ‘bout my boobies
They look super fly in shirts

But if I swung them in your face
You’d be like “Omigod that hurts!
I’m blind, holy crap
I literally can’t see
I have permanent retinal damage
I’m suing you and your heavy boobies”

Heavy boobs, heavy boobs
Dense like dyin’ stars
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs
They each have their own memoirs

What you gotta know
Is that boobs may be where it’s at
But if you cut them open
They’re just sacks of yellow fat
Stuff falls into my bra,
It’s a little bit of a drag
But when I go to bed at night,
It’s like opening a Mary Poppins bag

DANCERS
Whee! Candy and pennies!

REBECCA
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs
Dense like dyin’ stars
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs
Don’t need an airbag in my car

Here is a list of all of the objects
That I can hold under my boobs:
Stapler, 10 pencils,
Paperback copy of Arabian Nights,
Dog bowl, remote control,
Hard back copy of Wuthering Heights

See, when a star is dying it transforms into a Red Giant. And if the Red Giant does not have enough mass to fuse carbon, an inert mass of carbon and oxygen builds up in the center, transforming into a dense white dwarf. And, yeah, like, that’s my boobs. That’s what my boobs are like.

I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs
Dense like a white dwarf
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs
They’d be a catch at Fisherman’s Wharf
I got them heavy boobs, heavy boobs
Don’t ever forget
That these heavy boobs, heavy boobs
Are just sacks of yellow fat
Like the stuffing of a couch,
They’re just sacks of yellow fat
Technically meant to feed a baby,
They’re just sacks of yellow fat.


“I GAVE YOU A UTI”

GREG
What’s that’s burnin’ feelin’
Every time you pee?
Well, that’s how it goes,
After you have so
Much awesome sex with me...

I gave you a UTI
Yeah I gave you a UTI
My sweet love injection,
Caused a urinary tract infection!
I’m just that good!
I didn’t even try, try, try!
I gave you a UTI...

REBECCA
OK. So it’s not really a comment on the
quality of the sex, as much as
a lot of sex has been happening and
there’s just a very natural transfer of bacteria to my –

GREG
Don’t ruin this for me.

That bladder inflammation
Is my little gift to you
Yeah, sometimes chicks need medication
After what I put them through!

C’mon, sing with me!

REBECCA
Nah. I’m not going to do that.

GREG
I gave you (I gave you),
A UTI (a UTI)
Yeah I gave you (I gave you)
A UTI (a UTI)
I’m so good at sex,
Your maiden ship got wrecked
My penis is the reason
You may die, die, die
I gave you a UTI!

One night with me is pure ecstasy
‘Cause I know just what you like
But you should know for a week or so,
You won’t be able to ride a bike

Sorry if you have to cancel that spin class.
I’ll pay the cancellation fee because I
Know a lot of times you have to book the
Specific bike in advance. Anyway-

I gave you (I gave you)
A UTI (a UTI)
Not an STD (no STDs)
Just to clarify!
If it hurts to take a leak,
Well, that’s just part of my technique
What has two thumbs
And gave you a UTI?
This guy!

I gave you a U-T,
I gave you a U-T,
I gave you
A U-T-IIIIIIIIIIIIII


“OH MY GOD I THINK I LIKE YOU”

REBECCA
You’ve been tearing me up for a
Week and a half
I don’t mean like, in my heart
I mean, physically you’ve been
Tearing me up
It’s D-Day in my lady parts

But as I’m beggin’ for more
Writhin’ around on the floor
I feel somethin’ deep inside I’ve
Never felt before

Oh my god I think I like you
Oh my god I think I like you
It’s scary but you send me back
On my heels
‘Cause while I’m getting spanked
I can’t ignore the feels

But I say “no no no,
This is just about sex”
And “no no no
Don’t be such a girl, Becks”

But then I feel the oxytocin
Creeping back to my brain
And all I can do is sing it again

Oh my god I think I like you

Why can’t I just focus on
Getting a pounding
On the bidness goin’ on near my thighs

But as my body’s getting ruined like,
Really trashed
I only wanna look in your eyes

But then I’m upside down next to my
Kitchen sink
And suddenly it’s like oh my god
I think I like you
Oh my god I think I like you

My feelings get stronger every day
I’m like a little girl
Not in a role-playing way

Are there condoms that can prevent
These feelings?
Is there spermicidal lubricant that can
Kill the fluttering in my heart?

Is there an IUD that can stop the image
Of you and me,
Getting married on a hillside,
Surrounded by ducks,
And then we get into a rowboat?

Oh my god! I think I like you
Oh my god I think I like you
But I say “no no no

No no no,
No no no,
No no no”


“AFTER EVERYTHING I’VE DONE FOR YOU (THAT YOU DIDN’T ASK FOR)”

PAULA
Time for you to shut up!
Time for you to sit down!
Paula’s tired of being your
Sidekick, your henchman,
Your eager - little - clown!

After everything I’ve done for you –

REBECCA
...that I didn’t ask for!

PAULA
Do you have any idea the work
You’re undoing?

After everything I’ve done for you,
That you didn’t ask for
Let’s just say Greg isn’t the only one You’re screwing!

Wanna know all the things I’ve done for you?

I broke into Josh’s old high school
And made copies of all his grades
I “bumped into” Lourdes at Starbucks And suggested you be a bridesmaid
I blackmailed Valencia’s boss,
So now I control when she teaches
That’s right, I make Yoga class schedules!
There’s no limit to where my reach is!

After everything I’ve done for you,
That you didn’t ask for
God, will your lies never end?
After everything I’ve done for you,
That you didn’t ask for
The least you can do is be honest
With your mother - I mean, friend

What’s that look on your face?
You’re horrified
You think I’m a monster
For doing your dirty work

You think love is stainless and pure?
But beneath all the fantasy,
There’s filth and there’s gore...

So now it’s...
Time for me to walk out!
Time for me to say no!
Paula’s tired of working
For no thanks at all
Paula’s gonna go!

You’re nothing without me,
And my creativity
I created you,
You lived in my womb...
I mean, figuratively!

After everything I’ve done for you,
I don’t know why
So now I’m gonna say
Goodbye!


“ONE INDESCRIBABLE INSTANT”

AUNT MYRNA
In one indescribable instant
The whole world falls away
In one indescribable instant
You’ll know just what to say
In one indescribable instant
Your heart will speak the truth

‘Cause in that one indescribable
Magical, mystical
Endless, incredible instant,
The only words you’ll need are
I love you

In one indescribable instant
There is no time or space
In one indescribable instant
It all falls into place
In one indescribable instant
Your dreams will all come true

‘Cause in that one indescribable
Magical, mystical,
Endless, incredible,
Barely believable,
Truly unlikely but not inconceivable,
What are you kidding me?
No, it’s for real-able instant,
The only words you’ll need are
I love you


 





West Covina The Sexy Getting Ready Song Feelin' Kinda Naughty Face Your Fears I Have Friends Settle For Me Sex With a Stranger I Love My Daughter (But Not in a Creepy Way) I'm A Good Person I Give Good Parent What'll It Be? His Status Is... Preferred I'm In a Sexy French Depression Where's The Bathroom You Stupid Bitch JAP Battle Gettin' Bi I'm The Villain In My Own Story Dream Ghost Heavy Boobs I Gave You A UTI Oh My God I Think I Like You After Everything I've Done For You (That You Didn't Ask For One Indescribably Instant








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